It’s that time of the year AGAIN when I have to explain to my daughter why it is I don’t celebrate Christmas and why her father does. How do Jews ever come out on the winning side of this? As the years pass, I am going to have my kid on Christmas day every other year and I”m dreading it. I know she is going to want to be with him and frankly, I can’t blame her. I’ve tried over and over again, to come up with something to say that will convince her that being with me on Christmas day is just as good, if not better, than being with him but so far, nothing I can say is going to cut it with her.
For example:
1. Jews “get” to go out for Chinese food. All the gentiles do is sit home in front of a toasty fire and eat peppermint and play with their billions of gifts. Jews get to sit in front of a plate of Moo Shu Pork and Chicken Fried rice and dip their egg rolls into sweet and sour sauce while playing with their single set of chopsticks.
2. Gentiles sit on their couches, all snuggled together, wrapped in blankets, in front of that same toasty fire, their bellies still full from their dinner of turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, some form of vegetable soaked in butter, something else au gratin, etc and watch movies like, “It’s a Wonderful Life” while playing with their billions of gifts.
Jews go to movies wrapped in their down jackets and scarves where they sit, separated by a big plastic handle from their loves ones, and eat popcorn and candy because no matter how much Chinese food you chow on in one sitting, by the time you pay the check you’re hungry again.
and finally
3. Don’t even get me started on how much Jews save on electricity…..
Then I started to think that maybe, if could make Hannukah sound like it was just as fun as Christmas, if not more so, she wouldn’t feel so badly not celebrating. You know, tell her things like:
1. Hannukah guarantees you will get 8 gifts although there is a mandatory 24 hour waiting period between the time you can open one and then another which, I will agree, is a huge buzz kill.
2. YOU get to light the candles every night, which takes, max, 20 seconds, and that’s on day 8 and then afterward, you don’t even get to blow them out and hear people sing a song to you that celebrates the joy of your very existence.
3. You can listen while mommy sings a song in Hebrew and Yiddish, even though she has no idea what any of them mean.
4. You can listen to mommy say three prayers in Hebrew even though she has no idea what any of them mean.
5. We can go Menorah shopping together one night. Just think what a fun time we will have rifling through the Hannukah shelf at places like Bed Bath and Beyond and Target or we could go to Color Me Mine and make one, wouldn’t that be fun? Unfortunately, that will be a one time deal because unless something happens to the menorah between Hannukah of this year and the one next year, there is really no reason to we would need to do THAT again.
6. We can hang that one strand of Hannukah lights across the window and a sign that says, “Happy Hannukah” on top of it. No need to have a Hannukah hanging party, however, since all that “hanging” involves is two pieces of scotch tape.
I know, just baptize her and get it over with, right?
Do you get tired of my stopping by just to tell you how hilarious you are? This is an extra funny post, though. It also happens to be thought-provoking. Tell your daughter that for most families, Christmas isn’t all it’s cut out to be. It doesn’t look like those cozy scenes portrayed in TV ads. In the end, for most people, there’s not much real meaning left, just some empty traditions and opportunities for disappointment and stress. (How’s that for an upper?)
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Don’t forget to tell her how much fun it is when Aunt (insert goofy name here) drinks way too much and falls down or when you have to play keep away from Uncle (insert worst family member ever here)because after a few belts he tends to get a little too friendly and his wife is drunk on the floor. Or the Grandma gift of *gasp* clothes. Which you are sure to hate and you can’t return because you know she’ll ask you about them in 6 months. OR….well you get the picture.
All I know is that I’m converting to Judaism, you know, so as not to confuse the little Lambert babies I will have someday.
I just wrote something similar to this …
http://www.chambanamoms.com/2009/12/03/being-a-jew-in-c-u-december-dilemma-part-1/
Man, I really wish one of my parents had married a Jew. What a score that would have been!
It’s true. The electricity savings must be extreme. I feel like, between our house and the neighbors’, we could catch the city on fire. It makes me nervous…and guilty about my “green” ethic. Enough is enough!!!
Try showing her this You Tube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULtglogZbR8&feature=player_embedded
And when she gets older, there is nothing better than Adam Sandler’s Hannukah Song.
But you are forgetting the best part of Hannukah: FRIED FOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would think both is better than just one of either. Who wouldn’t want extra holidays?
I always thought that the 8 days of presnts thing would be cool – unfortunately I don’t have a single Jewish relative…I lost on the holiday lottery.
start celebrating Kwaanza and Festivus and the Winter Solstice too.
How about do both? 8 days of gift opening followed by a billion of ‘em on Christmas Day. My late MIL was Jewish, which makes my hubby 1/2 Jewish (and half German – but that’s probably a whole post or a series of therapy sessions for him) and apparently did both growing up. He seems none the worse for wear for it…mostly.
I have to admit that growing up, I convinced myself that it was cool to be different. I did have friends invite me over for the occasional christmas morning. Even my jewish friends all convinced their parents to celebrate Christmas. Having married a Christmas loving non-jew I love the decorations and tree, but frankly I’m burned out after a couple of years, and it never lives up to your expectations
Give her lots of gelt and dreidels, that should work.
I’m kind of with Stacy. I may be way off on this, but I think Hannukah and Christmas only fall on the same days like every 3 or 4 years. Would it be a terrible violation of your custody agreement to let her celebrate with her dad every year that it is possible? That way you limit the discussion to 3 times per decade. Bonus.
This is hysterical! I have to admit I’ve never thought about the electricity savings. So really, that means you’re more environmentally conscious. You can tell her that; I’m sure it’ll really brighten her day.
My husband’s family *used to be* Jewish. I think it would be fun to celebrate Hanukkah one year so that the kids can experience it. This is sounding like a more fabulous idea since you said we’d get to eat Chinese food.
Yeah, like someone else already said – maybe do both? I knew a family that did that…OR you could come up with something totally different that she would love. Because every place is open on Christmas, right? Oh yeah, not. Hmm. I’m sure you guys will have fun whatever you do! Hopefully!
You had me laughing at color me mine.
Hey, on Christmas Eve with my Gentile family we do appys, beer, and eggnog.
THANK GOD for the Jews because when I lived in NYC EVERYTHING was open Christmas day! EVERYTHING! Mazeltov!
I would LOVE to hear you rant about how much Jews save on electricity. It would absolutely make my day. OR you could just buy me a beer. But why not have both?
I think it’s time you invented your own tradition with her – you know, the non-Christmas Christmas Hannukah Winter Festival Day!
It can involve eating your daughter’s and your favourite foods, playing games, lighting candles, going out on a treasure hunt around the neighbourhood, catching a show and, of course, presents – to celebrate the winter holidays!
It could also include topsy-turvy day where you go out in your jammies, eat your festive meal on a blanket under the table – with dessert first, then the main meal…
Actually, it sounds so good I want to come along…
Too funny. Sometimes all the hub bub with the decorating and lights and crap is such a pain in the ass when you have to take it down. Wait! Maybe I could be like those people who NEVER take it down.
Wait, you have a whole SHELF? In my town, we’re lucky to have the Passover candles BEFORE Passover! Hanukkah is definitely better than Christmas. 8 nights of guilt, I mean gelt? Score, right?
I haven’t been here in a bit because for some reason blogspot didn’t update your status. Anyway, we are going throughtthe same thing with our daughter this year. How to make Hannukah seem awesome. My wife came up with the idea of emphasizing the gambling. It might work. Funny post.
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Have your daughter come to my sister’s house on Christmas day… Trust me, by the end of the day she’ll thank G-d that’s she Jewish!!! I do every year!
So, have you picked out the tree?