Me, My, not You

How do you know when the relationship is over? When you realize that if you aren’t going to have sex you’re not sure why it is you’re both still standing in the same room.

The problem with getting older is you tend to really like spending time with yourself much more so than with other people.

I recently ended a relationship with a guy I’d been dating for about six months. One night after dinner, as I loaded the last plate into the dishwasher, I looked up at him sitting at my kitchen table and thought, “If we’re going to spend the rest of this night sitting in front of the TV, then I want to be alone.” It was as simple as that. I would get to pick what I wanted to watch and I wouldn’t have to worry he’d interrupt me by sharing something about himself that either he’d already told me or could have waited to tell me at another point in time or, in his case, never.

Listen, I’m no charm to live with. I’ve got terrible ADD, I disaster plan better than the director of FEMA and I’m constantly leaving the cupboard doors and drawers wide open as it seems I have a fear of running low on Raisin Brand or worse, clean coffee mugs. I get irritated quickly, especially if your being in my life causes me to do more work, not less. I already have a child and do not desire another one so if you can’t fix shit around the house or your idea of cooking is watching me do it, thanks a bunch but you need to pack it up and go. I’ve been doing it on my own for nine years and the last thing I want to is to add more stuff to my “to do” list especially when it comes to someone who should already be able to do it anyway.

I want love, I want to be in love, I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I can’t be. I hate cats. I don’t want someone who’s perfect. Why would I? Can you imagine waking up every day next to that person? “Morning. Great, you’re still hotter than me.”

What’s the solution? You have your place and I have mine? Some say there is nothing like being in a relationship where you have the option to say “bye” every once in a while and not just “I’m going to bed, are you coming?” Sounds good to me or is that because I have yet to find the one person in the world who to whom I have no desire to ever say “bye”.

Every one has their litmus test for love and they are never what you think they would be. For example, one of mine is, if I don’t develop violent tendencies when it comes to my attention that you ate the entire fruit salad that took me twenty minutes to make and never even offered me a bite, well, then I love you, no doubt about it.

If listening to the sound of you eating an apple while talking to me about your mother doesn’t have me chanting to myself, “breathe, just breath, it will all be over soon”, you’re the one for me.

For now, I’ve decided to just focus on my work, on making more money and a better life for myself. This, in case you’re curious, is “single person speak” for, “Oh my f**king God, I cannot believe I have to start dating again.”

Now, if you don’t mind, could you please pass the remote oh and don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

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posted by admin in Dating and have Comments (12)

12 Responses to “Me, My, not You”

  1. Susan Amerikaner says:

    They say that dying is easy & comedy is hard. Dating is harder. But dating also results in some great comedy! Getting myself ready to laugh along with Jessica’s fifty shades of funny.

  2. Dating sucks pond water. But you always have hysterical anecdotes shared from the abyss of the dating pool, so at least there’s that. And, when you least expect it, “The One” will magically appear. And I’m with Susan – I’m also getting ready to laugh along with Jessica’s fifty shades of funny.

  3. Thank fucking everything that is holy that I don’t have to start dating anytime soon. I’d rather have a colonoscopy without sedation.

  4. admin says:

    Abyss is the correct term, yes.

  5. “The problem with getting older is you tend to really like spending time with yourself much more so than with other people.” My friend, that is not a “problem,” that is the gift of getting older.

  6. Right there with you, babe. In fact going on post-divorce first date #43 tonight. Sigh.

  7. Lance says:

    I agree 100%

    After a horrific first marriage and slasher movie of a divorce, I started dating again. I sucked at it. But I learned what I wouldn’t put up with and how brutal honesty and total communication were going to be the keys to finding someone, again. I did the same thing you did to a couple of girlfriends/people I dated, too. I found it liberating. When I met my wife (she was married before, too) we were so open, honest, and free with each other that it was one of the reasons I fell in love with her.

    AS a married couple, some nights you do just hang in front of the tv or whatever because one of you is sick, kids are sick, or you’re just exhausted but you talk about it. Good God do we talk a lot, here.

    Anyway, I think you’re on the right track to finding love again. You know what you want.

  8. Carolyn West says:

    Ha! Even though I’ve been married for 16 years, I still have fantasies about being alone in my house… and better yet… alone in my bed. You’re right to focus on YOU for a while, and when love comes knocking, it will probably be when you are least expecting it.

  9. heidi says:

    “If listening to the sound of you eating an apple while talking to me about your mother doesn’t have me chanting to myself, “breathe, just breath, it will all be over soon”, you’re the one for me.” Oh my gawd! That made me laugh. So true.
    You are a catch – a beautiful, funny and smart catch. I hope you find the one for you or he finds you first.

  10. Julie Phelps says:

    Sadly I had to reach the age of 66 before I figured out that being alone with myself and current life was preferable to being with someone just to “be with”. Kudos to you for smart realizations.
    Just as Lance commented, being brutally honest and open paid off big time! I finally found the right person for me. My habit over the years was to monitor how much of my true thoughts to share. That resulted in relationships that were doomed. Yes, the guy(s) was content to keep the status quo but I got to dreaming about how great life would be without him. Bitter endings are no fun.
    I don’t see that happening this time around.
    Openly being myself is no longer scary; it is beautifully freeing and satisfying.
    High FIVES to you!

  11. I’m getting married in four months. My worse fear is that I’ll screw something up and she won’t love me anymore. So I more attention to her needs, even thought I have a terrible short-term memory. “Here’s the blue sweater. What? You wanted a glass of milk? Oh, sorry.”

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