Today I was sent a “Jewpon” by Jdate.com.  I have no idea what I would get in exchange for it but if you were to hand me one I would:

1. Do all your complaining

2. Make sure you get a second opinion and soon after decide that that is not good and then insist on a third one

3. Tell your kids they will be cut off if they refuse to finish college

4. Perpetually worry for you

5. Go for your MRI, your CAT scan, your blood test.

7. Marry a nice doctor

8. Come up with a million reasons why you should be paranoid that you are in trouble/someone doesn’t like you/you’re dying

9.Talk in the form of yelling so your ideas/thoughts will be heard especially in a room full other Jews.

10. Make people around you feel incredibly guilty

11. See your psychologist

12. See your psychiatrist

and finally:

13. If it’s too bland, don’t worry, I’ll eat it.

=====================================Yoohoo!!!! Quick Announcement

Just wanted to announce that my Kodak Vlog and my videos on Vlogging Tips have been featured on the Kodak.com blog today.  I’m thrilled and gotta say, what a great way to start a weekend.

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posted by admin in THERE'S NO CATEGORY FOR THIS and have Comments (36)

36 Responses to ““Jewpons””

  1. Being Jewish sounds somewhat like being Catholic, except for the “marry a nice doctor” bit. Good Catholics “find a vocation and enter holy orders, but it’s okay because your seven brothers and sisters will still give me grandchildren, except maybe Susan, because I think she’s a little too close to her girlfriend if you catch my drift.”

  2. Congrats on the Kodak feature! Someone there is on the ball. “Jewpons?” That’s pure genius!

  3. Michele says:

    Congrats on the Kodak gig.

  4. If you’d just get my blood work and any other painful medical procedure (mammograms, say) done for me, I’d be eternally grateful.

  5. Jen says:

    That’s awesome about the Kodak feature! I would love for you to worry for me. I think I was some sort of Jew/Catholic admixture in a past life. Do I worry? Am I easily made to feel guilty? Yes and Yes. And, I’m not even getting the value out of the whole eternal salvation thing. Crap.

  6. Kathy says:

    Cool congrats on your Kodak Vlog! Have a great weekend.

  7. Inna says:

    If you gave me your Jewpon at a wedding, I would have you join me in a hora, right after I made sure you had some food and a drink. Then I would find you a nice goy-boy because I don’t really know any non-goy-boys.

  8. It is so hilarious they send people jewpons! Oh, online dating sites, they’re always stepping up their game.

    p.s.~ I have been waiting to find out I have a seperated at birth sibling my entire life, finally!

  9. Gretchen says:

    I could use all of those things. Especially that “make everyone around you feel guilty” thing. What a great idea. Where does one get a Jewpon anyway? And can you cash them in with any Jew or just select Jews?

  10. I’ll be printing up some coupons shortly! ;)

    CONGRATS on your feature at Kodak! You deserve all the accolades you can get! :)

  11. Connie Weiss says:

    I’m so excited to redeem my Jewpon.

  12. Alexandra says:

    I just bought ten Kodak cameras cuz you told me to.

    You have that kind of advertising power over me.

  13. MommaKiss says:

    I’m serious – Jewpon? That had to be blogged about. Had. To!

  14. Lara says:

    I have to be honest: Most of that isn’t very useful to me. What kind of coupon do I have to give you to get you to do all my grading for me? ‘Cause I have a huge stack of research papers, vocab tests, and final exams that are just begging to be jobbed out to some chump- er, I mean, kind and helpful soul.

  15. The Zadge says:

    At first I though you were talking about a kosher tampon. Congrats on the Kodak Gig!

  16. Suzicate says:

    Congrats on the Kodak thingie…YAY! Jewpon…still laughing!

  17. Thanks. That sounds great. This will really free up the weekend for my extended family.

  18. Rachel says:

    congrats on the Kodak vlog!

  19. I’d like to take you up on most of those. And Yay about Kodak!!

  20. Duel Living says:

    At first I thought we were discussing the Jewish versions of tampons…I was still stuck on tampons…sorry.
    Jewpon = Coupon….Got it.

  21. Susan Amerikaner says:

    Congtats on your vlog, Jessica! Have a great weekend. You always make people smile, and that is a great contribution to the world. What would a Jewish tampon be…there’s got to be a punchline in there somewhere…if you can pull it out…

  22. Lady Fi says:

    Saw you over on Kodak a couple of days ago. Well done!

    As for this Jewpon post – just hilarious!

  23. Jack says:

    A Jewpon- makes me think of fish. Of course food and Jew go together, so it is only natural that I would think of it.

  24. Sans says:

    You are truly my Vlogging Mistress.

    Now thrash me!

  25. I think number 8 is my favorite.

    I can’t actually watch your vlog since I have no audio on my computer now and my iphone won’t do vimeo (and I thought it had a reputation for being easy…) But I’ll watch anyway and imagine you saying hilarious things.

  26. Kodak video was hysterical. Loved the music, so “Juno”. On alternate topic — I’m with Duel Living, above, as far as thinking of feminine protection when you mentioned Jewpons. Suggested tagline: “If you were a nice girl, you’d use pads”.

  27. The Kodak video is hilarious!

    And thank goodness you defined exactly what a “Jewpon” is! After your tweet to me, telling me you were my Jewpon, I kinda thought maybe I ought to send you more than a Furminator…possibly some Valium! LOL

  28. Paige Lacey says:

    Congrats on the Kodak gig! I went to check it out, and you made me giggle like a school girl, as always.

    So far as the Jewpon thing, what the heck?! Seems like they should be handing it as some sort of rewards program for going out with a set number of losers. “Thanks for playing, Jessica. Sorry about the last three duds, but here’s a Jewpon for an upgrade to a plastic surgeon with a five-pound – rhymes with clock – and a recently deceased mother.”

    Just saying.

  29. Jessica says:

    Between my husband and myself, we’ve got all the bases covered. He’s the paranoid, doctor going freak and I yell all the time and eat bland foods. Maybe now we’ll get all that Jewish money we keep hearing about.

  30. Keli says:

    How about never pay full price for anything? I only shop Bloomingdales when there’s a sale. As for Neiman Marcus – “last call” rules.
    Love your vlog! Congrats!

  31. This is totally off-topic! Sorry! We met at the Casual Bloggers Conference. I was the ‘former slut’ too. Probably don’t remember-but I wrote a post about it. It was really great to meet you!

  32. p-huong says:

    When I read “jewpon” I thought tampon.

    Congrats with Kodak!

  33. Cara says:

    What do I have to do to get a jewpon? Because I totally do with a little less worry and paranoia.

    Congrats on the Kodak feature! Your vlogs rock!

  34. I find it fascinating that the “Jewpon” would entitled me to all the same things a “Gerpon”* would.

    *The same concept in German form.

  35. eddie says:

    are you sure it wasnt jewpon.com

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