Let’s See…How Do I Put This…

I was in NYC for a week with Phoebe. Being a child from L.A., she wanted to take a taxi everywhere. Being an adult who spent her childhood in NYC, I told her to suck it up and walk.

She quickly adapted to the situation and as a small bribe thank you, I decided to buy her a treat.  We were passing by this one upscale French style restaurant/cafe and the desserts in the window looked amazing so in we walked.

For a change, I was the one who needed to go potty and before we sat down, I took Phoebe with me to the bathroom.

This particular restroom was meant for one person and at that particular moment, that person was not me as when I opened the door there, not four feet away, was this preppy guy in his 20’s sitting on the toilet for both Phoebe and I to see.

Clearly, he hadn’t locked the door, leading me to wonder if the guy got off on this type of exhibitionism or he actually believed the bathroom was in fact his home, something that would seem crazy to most people but if you’ve ever lived in NYC you’d know that a space that small could still very easily qualify as a studio apartment.

On instinct, I quickly threw my purse in front of Phoebe’s eyes whereupon, she instinctively shoved it away, yelling:

PHOEBE: Stop it! I want to see too!

I quickly closed the door and as we looked for a place to sit, passed a couple sitting at the table closest to the bathroom. As I slipped by, the woman stopped me and said:

WOMAN:  You’re about the third person to walk in on this guy.

to which I replied:

JESSICA:  Someone should lock him in from the outside.

Finally, Phoebe and I sat down and I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed spending the first five minutes of our little treat time together answering her question which was:

PHOEBE: Where did his penis go?

Trust me when I say that in a million years, I never thought I’d be having the following exchange with my five year old GIRL.

JESSICA: It was tucked inside the toilet bowl.

PHOEBE: Why?

JESSICA:  Because it works out better that way. Now, do you want to order a grilled cheese?

PHOEBE: Why is it better?

JESSICA: Because cheese is made from milk and it’s good for your bones.

PHOEBE: (loudly) No, why does his penis in the toilet bowl work better?

JESSICA: (now whispering) Because he can do pee and poo at the same time.

PHOEBE: (excited) I do that but only sometimes, not all the times, I can’t.

JESSICA:  Yes, that’s very true.

Right at that moment the guy finally exited the bathroom.  I really had to go by this point, so I took Phoebe with me again and this time sloooowwly opened the door. It was empty.  We walked in and I immediately looked for the lock which was this wimpy little bolt that a fetus could master.  I bolted the door shut and had just started to pee when there was a knock on the door.  As I yelled out:

JESSICA: There’s someone in here!

Phoebe simultaneously screamed:

PHOEBE: It’s okay, she doesn’t have a penis!

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posted by admin in PHOEBE and have Comments (70)

70 Responses to “Let’s See…How Do I Put This…”

  1. Cat says:

    And that? Is why I wank kids.
    Perhaps his normal bathroom had an auto-locking stall feature, much like the auto sink, auto flush, auto paper towel dispense. Because if we’re too stupid to figure out how to work the sink, chances are we won’t know how to lock the door either.

  2. Luci says:

    Clearly, the upscale part did not apply to the bathroom…or maybe that’s how they do it in France??
    Can you say awkward??!!

  3. OMG, you are hilarious, this is the first time I have been here and I am in love with your blog already.
    I was laughing all the way through, and nearly died at the end line. Bravo! Thank you!

  4. christy says:

    Oh my god I just woke up my daughter from her nap I’m laughing so hard. DAMMIT! But holy crap that was freaking hysterical. Now I have to go sing her back to sleep – thanks!

  5. Lisa says:

    Can’t wait to take my girls to the city but I can wait for this. No need for me to have to explain how boys plumbing works….not sure I could anyway.

  6. Kristina says:

    I guess I can forgive you for reading my super private journal post today, because your blog is delightful! I will be back!

  7. vodkamom says:

    I am ROFL at this story!!
    Where did his penis go??Well, let that be a lesson to you. There are MANY places that penis’s shouldn’t go- but at least he remember to point it at the toilet.

  8. ittbitty says:

    damn! way to handle THAT mom!

  9. And I thought my potty stories were good!

  10. Yaya says:

    Haha! Where did his penis go! Lol!!!!
    Sounds like a sicko getting off on it…..sicko…

  11. I love New York. Although, I suppose this could have happened anywhere, but it makes it funnier that it happened in NY.

  12. MommaB says:

    Wow! If that is not priceless, I don’t know what is!!!

  13. This is why I love NY. Where else can you expose (get it, expose??) your daughter to that kind of culture. :-)

  14. Amysprite says:

    That is appalling, priceless, and hilarious all in one! Any conversations in public with the under-9 set that use the words “penis” or “vagina” are sure to be cringe-inducing but hilarious as “tales from the Mommyhood Front.” I’m glad you survived to tell the tale! And it sounds like you had a great visit in NYC- good for you!!

  15. pat says:

    omg, too funny…who the hell could sit and poop in a little public restroom…..hover, baby!!!!

  16. Renee Khan says:

    That was fun to read. I can’t believe he would leave it open though what a pig.
    Thanks Renee

  17. KMR says:

    Oh, MY. Word> Lol, YOU OWE ME AAAA Wait forr it, aNEw keyborrd, spewded ttea and stickuy kets dont’ MIX!! LOlOl! TOO sweet> Ahh lovers those special mommy–daugh talks! :D

  18. TRACI says:

    why didn’t I insist on meeting you while you were in NY? Oh, yeah because meeting internet people you only know via comments could be kinda creepy. Almost as much as walking in on your neighborhood voyeur.

  19. Flea says:

    Are you suuure you don’t have a penis?

  20. Oz says:

    This is hilarious. I’m laughing so hard I’m crying.

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