Okay, it’s animal warfare. My kid did not shut the f**k up all day about that f**ing hamster. As a result, I’ve decided, if the ex wants to play dirty, fine. Tomorrow I’m going to buy a giraffe.
What’s that? Yes, I took my meds today. No, I have not stopped therapy…entirely. We’re just on a bit of a “break” right now. He’s busy and I have no money so it’s a win-win for both of us. More him than me…okay pretty much just him but if you think about it, I clearly don’t need a therapist when I’m going to be buying a giraffe.
You see, I did a lot of research on this animal and frankly, I think it will be perfect.
The tongue of a giraffe measure 27″, which means one lick in two directions and my floors are now polished and my sex life is reignited in BIG way.
A giraffe sleeps 5 minutes to 30 minutes a day which means if I need him to run to the grocery store for me in the middle of the night, I’m not going to have to hear about it the entire next day.
A giraffe can kill a lion with one swift kick, so just imagine what it could do to my ex husband.
A giraffe will make sounds that resemble the bleating of calves and the bellowing of cows which means, goodbye white noise machine and a lower electric bill.
A giraffe is a very social animal which is great because after a day working alone in my home it would be nice to be able to walk into my living room and have someone around who can engage in a good, down home neck wrestle.
And that’s only the beginning. I bet it doesn’t sound like such a crazy idea now does it?
Hehe, can I get me a high five?! Huh? Anyone? Hello?