I Can Play Dirty Too, You Know…..

Okay, it’s animal warfare.  My kid did not shut the f**k up all day about that f**ing hamster.  As a result, I’ve decided, if the ex wants to play dirty, fine.  Tomorrow I’m going to buy a giraffe.

What’s that?  Yes, I took my meds today. No, I have not stopped therapy…entirely. We’re just on a bit of a “break” right now. He’s busy and I have no money so it’s a win-win for both of us. More him than me…okay pretty much just him but if you think about it, I clearly don’t need a therapist when I’m going to be buying a giraffe.

You see,  I did a lot of research on this animal and frankly, I think it will be perfect.

For example:

The tongue of a giraffe measure 27″, which means one lick in two directions and my floors are now polished and my sex life is reignited in BIG way.

A giraffe sleeps 5 minutes to 30 minutes a day which means if I need him to run to the grocery store for me in the middle of the night, I’m not going to have to hear about it the entire next day.

A giraffe can kill a lion with one swift kick, so just imagine what it could do to my ex husband.

A giraffe will make sounds that resemble the bleating of calves and the bellowing of cows which means, goodbye white noise machine and a lower electric bill.

A giraffe is a very social animal which is great because after a day working alone in my home it would be nice to be able to walk into my living room and have someone around who can engage in a good, down home neck wrestle.

And that’s only the beginning. I bet it doesn’t sound like such a crazy idea now does it?

Hehe, can I get me a high five?!  Huh? Anyone?  Hello?

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posted by admin in PARENTING, PHOEBE, animal stories and have Comments (46)

46 Responses to “I Can Play Dirty Too, You Know…..”

  1. Mmmm… neck wrestling. I might need some giraffe companionship myself. Do they like reruns of “How I Met Your Mother?” and Trader Joe’s frozen Indian food entrees?

  2. You’d have someone around who could reach the top shelf.

    You’d never have to wear heels.

    He’d never take one of those giant man bites of your cheeseburger.

    Giraffes are nonverbal.

    The benefits are endless . . .

  3. You better hope that giraffe doesn’t poop in the house.

  4. Michele says:

    You had me at the 27″ tongue. I say go for it!

  5. Nicole says:

    That sounds awesome, but…I want a hippopatumus for Christmas.

  6. 27 INCHES!!! There is room there for all f us!
    (Thats your high 5 sista)

  7. Gropius says:

    Okay…so I saw this on Saturday Night Live a while back and thought this giraffe clip was funny as HELL. AND it supports your theory. Watch it & let me know what you think. http://www.hulu.com/watch/42614/saturday-night-live-giraffes

  8. Beth says:

    Sounds like more fun than a hamster. Nothing against hamsters, of course.

  9. heidi says:

    Neck Wrestle…ha!

  10. The Zadge says:

    Think of all the dates you’ll get when guys find out you have a pet Giraffe!

  11. Melinda says:

    Excellent idea. I love giraffes!

  12. CarrieAnn says:

    I wonder if giraffes eat hamsters? You should totally do it.

  13. You could probably sell harvest giraffe poop as organic something or other and make millions!

  14. Suzy says:

    Very funny post.

  15. If the giraffe is capable of putting kids to bed and keeping them there, I’m on board. The dogs may be snack potential, but I’m flexible.

  16. magpie says:

    oh yeah. that sounds perfect. can you ride it too?

  17. Love giraffes. Gorillas too, but I’m not cleaning that litter box.

  18. Kill with one swift kick??
    27 inch tongue????
    You had me at Hello!!!

  19. Lisa says:

    I hope you have really high ceilings…

  20. Lara says:

    I hope it eats the hamster.

  21. Joanie M says:

    I think maybe…. just maybe…. you might have read too many Shel Silverstein books when you were a kid.

  22. Jason says:

    You have a great site here. I have a site myself where people come from around the world to debate on popular issues. I’d like to exchange links with you to help spread some traffic around between us. If you would like to, please leave a comment under my “Compadres” page letting me know when you’ve added my link and I’ll return the favor.

    Keep up the good work.


  23. Bella says:

    I was at a zoo once and saw a giraffe licking something once….and…ummmm…yeah…giddy-up!

  24. Social comments and analytics for this post…

    This post was mentioned on Twitter by bernthis: Okay, I”m playing dirty now. You can only fuck with so many times http://bit.ly/60eq6b...

  25. Giraffe definitely trumps hamster in the battle of the exes. High five!

  26. If you live high up, they can also clean your windows. You just need a monkey and a pelican.

    Think I read that in a Roald Dahl book somewhere… hmmmm

  27. Marinka says:

    Hysterical! I think you should probably get two, in case it gets lonely.

  28. Mo says:

    Hmmm, I’m not sure if your sex life is going to benefit from your giraffe’s tongue. Don’t get me wrong, I’d like it to benefit, and I’m not always this pessimistic either, I’m just a little sceptical.

  29. Do you have a convertible by chance?

  30. Casey says:

    I think my kid might be a giraffe. He sleeps 5 to 30 minutes a day too.

    Have you considered getting her a snipe?

  31. Kristine says:

    Ok, you convinced me, I’ll be giraffe shopping this evening.

  32. Jill Notkin says:

    @Magpie Why would she need to ride it? Did you not see that it has a TWENTY-SEVEN INCH tongue?

  33. Duel Living says:

    Awesome! You should definately buy a giraffe. Hope you have high ceilings though. And maybe giraffe’s thrive on a diet of hamsters…that would be a bonus!

  34. Gretchen says:

    According to my internet sources, “A giraffe can poop anywhere from 3 to 6 times a day. They poop remarkably little for their size. Perhaps 2 to 5 pounds a day.”
    2 to 5 pounds. Just thought you’d like to know.

  35. Lawyer Mom says:

    Giraffes are so useful! Who knew?

  36. I had NO idea giraffes were so awesome! You totally need to get one. Okay, except I just read that comment from Gretchen about the pooping. Maybe you should rethink this…

  37. Susan A. says:

    Name it BeBe, and you’ve got a great children’s book. Forget “Fancy Nancy.” Imagine “Phoebe and BeBe!”
    You think I am kidding. I am NOT.
    Try it!

  38. Coco says:

    OMG..you are so retarded. I LOVE it. Especially the tongue part. Still laughing.

  39. Jen says:

    Hamsters are just fuzzy rats. A giraffe sounds much cooler and capable of creating much more havoc.

  40. I would much prefer a giraffe over a hamster any day. Especially if it’ll keep my floors clean.

  41. Erin says:

    Must remember to refrain from drinking any beverage whilst reading your blog. Really effing funny.

  42. Patty says:

    And don’t forget about the really long necks. He can easily clean and paint your ceilings with no ladders, not to mention all the things he can retrieve for you from high cabinet shelves. Oh, this sounds perfect. Maybe I should get me a giraffe…

  43. HI!
    Funny stuff! Anna Lefler sent me over here, I just interviewed her for my blog series Super (Silly) Moms and would love to interview you…zebandrobin@hotmail.com

  44. Holly says:

    You’re SO persuasive!! Just might have to get me one of those!!
    HEY!! YOU should do COMMERCIALS!! LOL!! ;p

  45. Ok, Jessica, there’s some practicality, sure. But how hard are they to house train? ‘Cause I am telling you…I have a Newf, and those poops are fricken huge and giraffes are a hell of a lot bigger than a Newfoundland dog. So. Think about it. You’ll be up to your neck in shit with one potty accident. If it happens to be standing over your bed when it lets one go…you’ll never sleep again.

  46. I want an eagle. Something bold and fierce, like a Harpy or an African Crowned.

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