Remind Me to Send Him a Thank You Note
My ex husband bought Phoebe a hamster last night. She wants to call it Stella. I want to call the exterminator. I am literally PHOBIC of all mice and rats and for all intents and purposes, Stella is a mouse. According to my daughter, the hamster is not a mouse because it has a tiny tail which if you follow that logic means that the guy I slept with in college, wasn’t actually a real guy because he had a tiny tail too. You see what I’m talking about right?
Phoebe brought the hamster to my house on the way home from the pet store so I could “meet” it. I tried to talk her out of it by reminding her what an emotional day it had been for Stella and that it would probably be better if she went to a home that was not mine and got some sleep. Naturally, being my daughter, Phoebe can smell bulls**t from a mile away and over the phone I heard her tell her dad, “I don’t think mommy wants to see Stella.” It reminded of the time she wanted me to come and see the grand size poop she’d made. I remember yelling “congratulations!” from the kitchen and then telling her if I actually came into look there would a very good chance I would no longer be able to continue cooking her dinner to which she had responded, “Okay, then I’ll just have ice-cream!”
Anyway, come over she did after I swore all I was doing was trying to look after Stella’s “well being”. When Phoebe walked in the door, she opened the box. I glanced at it quickly and then immediately decided to buy Stella a cat as a housewarming gift, you know, like a welcome to the neighborhood, I hope you die, kind of thing.
My ex said he got the hamster because he read that they don’t need to be fed everyday. If he’d read a little more he’d have found out it’s because a hamster knows how to get out of it’s cage and then it sneaks around the house and eats its owners after it runs out of food. If Phoebe comes home later with a missing finger, I will not be surprised. Maybe I should’ve called her father’s house and told him to tape her eyes shut so Stella can’t get to them. Phoebe has beautiful green eyes and I really like them both.
Of course, now it’s a guarantee my daughter will never want to spend time at my house. I guarantee she’s going to beg me to take her over to dad’s house everyday. I’ve been trying to come with a good reason for why she would be happier with me. I’ve played out the discussion over and over again in my head and here’s what I came up with:
PHOEBE: I want to go see Stella.
JESSICA: You’ll see her on Thursday.
PHOEBE: I miss her.
JESSICA: I understand that but you’re just going to have to wait.
PHOEBE: But I don’t want to wait.
JESSICA: Okay but think about it this way, at my house you’re guaranteed to wake up with all your body parts. That’s something, right?
35 Responses “Remind Me to Send Him a Thank You Note”
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Who says you don’t feed a hamster everyday? We sure did. And it lived nearly 4 years. They’re not supposed to live much beyond 3. Ours only got a few times and was rescued, with the help of two very, very interested cats.
my kids know better than to ever ask for any kind of rodent at all, or ferrets. nothing with slimy little feet.
but i have agreed to hedgehog sit this weekend.
And he didn’t even ASK? Ugh! That’s what would get me.
Hubby is always saying how great mice are as pets. Right. Until they, like, multiply and then next thing you’re buying a flute to try and lead them out of your BEDROOM!
Men.
I really don’t like cats, but this is gorilla warfare time. Get Phoebe the cutest little kitten you can find. Stella will never have to visit and a kitten trumps a hamster any time.
Of course then you’re stuck with a cat, which maybe you’re OK with or not?
Good Lord, I can relate. I just finally got rid of the rodent in my mouse and God knows I don’t want any more.
I’m in agreement with a previous poster. Kitten trump hamsters and puppies are even better. It takes work and plotting to remain the favorite parent…
When Leslie Norris’ son John was young, he went to the bathroom in a restaurant. He came out yelling, “Mom, I made a big poop. BIGGER THAN DAD’S.”
I had hamsters when I was a kid. They all ran away. With the help of my dad.
Get her a Nintendo or something. Pets fade into insignificance when there’s fun stuff to do and lets be fair, Hamsters don’t do an awful lot.
Of course you could buy her a chipmunk.
I’m sorry….you’re just not gonna be able to compete with that hamster. I was obsessed with hamsters as a kid. I would have GLADLY sold my mother for a habitrail.
so.
I’m with you. No hamsters, gerbils…really pets of any kind. And don’t even get me started on birds.
I’m sorry. Really.
What does make a hamster or gerbil cuter than a mouse? Do they have beady eyes too?
This is hilarious! Hamsters ARE mean!
When my youngest son was 4, he got two hamsters and named them Sleepy and Hammy. The first night, Sleepy killed Hammy. At the graveside funeral, my sweet baby said, “I’m so sorry that Sleepy kicked your ass.” I don’t think I was ever more proud than that moment.
When our dog dies, and I hope that it is very soon, I have no intention of getting another pet. I have no desire to care for another living thing…that includes the kids.
At least Stella doesn’t live with you. Came from sis-in-law’s yesterday whose mother-in-law gave her 3 year old son fish for Christmas. “Thanks for being so considerate in giving me one more freaking thing to take care of!”
Hahahahah “tiny tail”
We had a hamster for 3.5 very long years. He was sort of cute. But his cage smelled. And my kid never cleaned it.
Good thing the cleaning the cage thing doesn’t have to happen at your house…
A cat as a housewarming gift for Stella! Hahahaha!!! Priceless!!!!
Phoebe may soon learn what happens when Daddy Dearest forgets to feed Stella. You just might want to wait on the cat purchase.
“wasn’t actually a real man because he had a tiny tail too” – THAT’S CLASSIC!!
Ohhhhh not cool. I would SO buy the housewarming cat for sure.
Seriously? You don’t have to feed a hamster everyday? I think somebody read the directions wrong.
Oh…poor Stella, caught in the middle of a domestic dispute.
I have a few lizards and a snake you can have. Oh, wait, they have tails too. dang.
I say buy the cat.
Our third hamster died just a few weeks ago and it took my kids days to even notice he was dead. That’s how much they pay attention to the hamster after the first couple of weeks.
Now I understand the excessive aversion to the Squeakquel movie.
Happy thought – maybe Stella will get hungry in the middle of the night and chew off one of your exes appendages. You see what I’m talking about, right?
Hamsters are great! I had two of them when I was little. Get a little runner ball for Stella then she can explore the house but in a confined space. And make sure the ex knows that they do have to be fed every day!
That is SO not fair!
I think the only solution is to buy her a pony. Or buy your ex a pony.
My mother was naturally adverse to rodents. She stepped on my sister’s gerbil when I let it free from its cage. She says it was an accident..
We once had a hamster and of course, it got out and I woke up one morning and it was sitting on my pillow, staring at me in the face.
You get my point. Don’t let that thing in your house.
LOL! Ah well, at least it wasn’t a talking chipmunk with a high squeaky voice and baseball cap…
You slept with a hamster? Bloody hell.
It’s my belief that the sound you hear at night when a hamster is scratching it it’s stinky bedding stuff is really them scratching out their manifesto. I shudder to think. I also think you need a break. I mean, Alvin and the Chipmunks AND a hamster in one short amount of time?! I pray you don’t run across a ferret later this week.
Send her over to your ex’s with an eye patch. So when she returns you don’t have to see the one that’s missing when the hamster climbs out of its cage.
Why is it spelled hamster but I pronounce it hampster?
I have very few hard and fast rules in my house. One is no rodent pets. EVER.
OMG. The movie and now this? Your husband will probably lose it or kill it accidentally. Maybe the hamster will sit on his face. He deserves it. He couldn’t get her the fake hamster toy that was so popular this year? No wonder you divorced him. As we know men are so responsible, consistent and sensible when taking care of small living creatures–human or non. Get the sarcasm there? I notice the respondents who said they loved their hamsters and they lived for years were all female. I predict an early demise for Stella.
What was he thinking? They don’t eat every day? REALLY?? Good luck with that ex.
Next BernThis Post:
Farewell To Phoebe!
Youch, he’s playing hardball. Nicely played, ex husband.
I remember how much I wanted a hamster or a gerbil when I was a kid. All my friends had them. But my mom wouldn’t go for it. Now I understand…