Many months ago, as I was walking out of the house, I saw my neighbor on his lawn playing with his dog. For several minutes he would yell out commands in Hebrew and English and although I had no idea what the guy was saying, the dog sure as hell did.
As I pulled out of my driveway, it dawned on me that the German Shepard across the street was bilingual and yet I, a human, was not.
Competitive by nature, there was no way I was going to go through the rest of my life knowing that the language skills of a dog were far superior to mine. Granted, he has no kids, sleeps 15 hours a day and has nothing but time to study, but I didn’t care. It was soon after that, that I began taking Spanish lessons. I study two hours a week with my teacher and am now reading a book by Patricia Cornwall, which has been translated into Spanish. It’s been two weeks and not to brag but I’m already on the second paragraph.
Now, in the mornings, sometimes I’ll see that dog and purposely start yelling things to Phoebe such as:
JESSICA: Es muy importante para tu recoges en mi carro. Nosotros vamos a ser muy tardio.
Of course, Phoebe just stares at me like I have two heads, having no clue I just told her to “get in the car, we’re going to be late” which makes us even later because I then have to spend the time telling her the same thing in English. However, if you could see the look in that dog’s eyes, it’s priceless. He has no clue what I’m saying, I’m positive. I’m often tempted to keep going but I’m guessing that telling the principal that my daughter was late to school because her mother was trying to outsmart the neighbor’s German Shepard, probably won’t go over as well as I’d like it to.
I have to say that I haven’t seen the dog lately. I’m not sure if he’s out of town, in his house learning Burmese or perhaps his owners have finally decided to neuter him and he’s too busy looking for his balls. I wonder how you say “has anyone seen my testicles?” in Burmese.
I guess if that’s what happened, we’ll all know soon enough huh?
Why is it that you can say “tardio” and the ONE time I referred to myself as a tard people went nuts?
I’m so glad you’re beating out the german shepherd. They have a reputation for being a smart breed after all….
“It’s been two weeks and not to brag but I’m already on the second paragraph.”
Spit take. Here’s one for you that I tell our gardener:
Puede el agua las plantas por favor porque las plantas estan meurtos.
Does that mean Take me to Loehmann’s?
I thought so.
He’s probably learning how to knit.
I’m super impressed Jessica. You swim, volunteer, take spanish classes. I do NOTHING other than mother and keep house. I need to get a life! I need to learn Spanish too!!!
You’re on the second paragraph? Damn, you’re way ahead of me. BTW, what was that first word in the first paragraph again?
I came here from the German Shepherd’s blog. It’s fantastic.
Just when I thought there wasn’t much that could make me laugh this evening…thank you, Jessica. As always, you are funny as hell. Flanders, however, was pissed because she speaks Pig Latin but only knows a few words of Spanish.
Why not also get the dog to teach you Hebrew. Imagine how you will impress people at Passover!
Oh and her ACCENT people–very very andaluthia
German Shephard intelligence is so overrated. I was speaking with one the other day and I think he was just telling me a bunch of crap!
Happy New Year, Jessica!
xoxo
You have totally outsmarted that dog! Way to go, Jessica. Way to go!
I think it’s possible the German was learning Hebrew as part of a witness protection program, and since you made him, he’s being moved to another safe house. Either that, or the balls thing.
So funny. If only…we could all be as smart as our neighbors dogs!!!
Hija – que lista!
Another hilarious post… Keep on laughing and enjoy a new year of outwitting dogs!
Um, the dog is German but he speaks Hebrew? Not German? I think if he was Really smart he would know his own language; duh?
Y tu hablas espanol? Muy bueno chica!
Maybe you could get him to babysit Phoebe and you’d only have to pay him in dog biscuits. Result.
Happy New Year Jess, have a good one.
You’re my hero.
Happy New Year, Chica!
I think you scared him away. Yes, letting the teacher know why you were really late would probably not be a good idea. Have a happy New Year! Thanks for all the great posts.
That dog sounds like a real asshole.
Happy new year!
?Donde esta el bano?
Beber mucho tequilla.
Pretty lame huh?
You got me with the competition but then you wrecked a perfectly dry pair of underwear with this: “It’s been two weeks and not to brag but I’m already on the second paragraph.”
Even the comments are hilarious.
“I came here from the dog’s blog. It was fantastic” made me LOL, but so did “That dog sounds like a real asshole.” OMG, Jessica. You run with a funny crowd.
Way to start the New Year…the funniest blog in the world. Muy hilarious, Jessica.
Hysterical! I love it! I think any principal worth her salt (whatever that means) would understand your predicament. Obviously, showing the dog who is boss is more important than punctuality.
OK, now I have to clean off my monitor because there is coffee all over it! Only you would try to outdo a dog! hahahahah!!!!! Thanks for the laugh! I needed it after yesterday!
I’m just proud to know anyone who can show up a snooty German Shepherd.
We actually had a Belgian Shepherd and an Israeli friend growing up. Micah always spoke to the dog in Hebrew. Maybe it’s a cultural thing?
The dog was smarter than me, too.
Yay you! I took four years of Spanish and barely understand a word. Good thing I romanced my Spanish professor, or there’s no way I would have passed, huh? ;p
As usual you are hilarious.
Man, I’ve somehow been missing every other post of yours. This is awesome, I bend to your spanish expertise…my kids are in dual immersion and my 7YO said to me…”you should at least learn some basic spanish, mommy”. I don’t think my doggy understands anything.
Dogs are such assholes. Either they need to start getting jobs in restaurants or they need to start teaching ESL. Otherwise they’re just wasting everyone’s time.