My daughter is gone for six days and it’s killing me. You know there is “alone” time and then there is “lonely” time and that is what this is for me. I’m not saying feel sorry for me, many out there have it a lot worse than I do, I’m clear on that, but a piece of my heart does feel like it’s missing, truth be told.
This time of year is always tough for me. As those who know me will tell you, I’m a very social person. Unfortunately, up until a couple of years ago, I would often blur the line between social and needy as I did not like to be alone. In fact, I feared it.
I remember during Christmastime of ‘05, I had been separated for a year and was still doing my best to always be in the company of someone, anyone. At that time, it was determined that my daughter would spend the 23-26th of December with her father, which to me, was basically an eternity. On top of that, my two best friends in L.A. had moved out of the state by then and like most divorced people will tell you, I was fresh out of the many friends I had made while I was part of a couple. I felt as alone as I had ever felt.
Cut to:
Christmas night. I had not spoken to anyone except for close to three days. I owned a dog at the time. Her name was T.J. At around 11pm, I decided to take her for a walk. I remember the street that night was so still, so quiet, it was almost eerie and all I could picture were every one of my neighbors fast asleep in their homes, homes which were full of family and friends that were completely normal or at the very least did a damn good job of “fake-liking” each other.
Anyway, after a bit of time, I found myself actually talking to T.J, out loud. Now when I say talking, I mean, really talking. You know, the kind you do when there is someone sitting in a chair across from you armed with a masters in Psychology and you have to make an appointment if you hope to spend any time with them? Yeah, that kind.
As we were headed back home, it suddenly dawned on me that I was standing on the sidewalk, staring at T.J., silent, because I was actually waiting for her to respond, preferably with something that had to do with how sorry she felt for me, although, anything would have been fine. Of course, T.J. didn’t say anything. She did however refuse to take her eyes off me. I’d like to think it was her way of showing how much she cared about me but I’m guessing she was hoping if she stared at me long enough, I’d take her out for a cheeseburger.
By the time I arrived back home, I knew I was in big trouble and at that point, swore to myself I would never spend Christmas Eve nor Christmas day alone again and I haven’t. In fact, this year, I’m actually surrounded by people and those people are you, those that read my blog and those whose blogs I visit on a regular basis. I want to take a moment and thank you all for your love, your kindness and most of all your support throughout the last year and to wish you all a happy holiday and a wonderful new year. You deserve it.
lots of love
Jessica
Jessica, I have SO LOVED reading your blog this year! If you’re ever in the mode, Pines Lake Redhead and I will host you here in FL. We’d love the famous Bern This comedian in our midst. I’ve been out during the creepy quiet street on a late holiday night before…there is something haunting about it. Phoebe will be back soon!
I wish you were here, Jessie, and that I wasn’t going to Kansas for Christmas. I generally wish that anyway, I know, but if you were here we’d go get some shitty cake in NYC somewhere and drink copious amounts of coffee and talk all night. You may feel alone, but with so many people who love you – including me – you aren’t.
I’m glad you think of your readers as good company
I’m always happy when you’ve posted something new and enjoy hearing what you’re up to. You’re hilarious and real.
Oh, Jessica…. Lots of love is coming to you from over here. I am surrounded by my beautiful little family here, but I still keep sidling up to this dark edge that reminds me that so many loved ones are too far away right now and that I will be intensely lonely without them come Christmas Eve and the days that follow. Is is okay for a 37y.o. to say I MISS MY MOMMY!!! ? Because I do.
Huge hug and love and maybe even a few kisses under the mistletoe for you, darlin’.
It’s amazing to me the amount of genuine support and kindness a person can find online. I still struggle sometimes, and I’m not sure what that’s about…
I’m glad you’re feeling better.
Happy Holidays to you! XO
Oh Jessica. I so wish you would come to Utah and be my sister wife. I’m so happy we found each other this year!
I’ll be here on Christmas, when my kid is with her dad and his family, both offering and needing some virtual love. See you there!
You are funny and kick ass and talented and vulnerable and wonderful. It is a pleasure knowing you here.
Come on over to our place. Seriously. We all talk back and that includes the dog. We also have lots of snacks.
I adore you! I will never forget how you called me when I was sick. It really meant a lot to me. You have true friends through the computer.
Last year I was alone, my kids were away with Dad and there was a snowstorm so I was housebound. I was so bored and lonely I started my blog. It has literally changed my life, reaching out online like that, not only did I meet a bunch of new online friends (like you) but it opened up a whole new world as far as my career goes.
You are NOT alone my sweet you bring so much joy and laughter to people that they carry you in their hearts. Just remember that and come visit your comments whenever you feel sad, at the very least to remind yourself of how much of an impact you make on others. xoxoxoxo
I have been there and my heart goes out to you! My daughter spends every other full week with her dad and the other weeks with me. The weeks that she is gone it breaks my heart. It is a complete emotional roller coaster.
Email me if you want to talk, chat, skype etc to a live person!
Hang in there!!
Oh Bernie, I feel you!!! As a single girl with no kids who moved 2000 miles away from her family and friends last year, I can TOTALLY go down that lonely-is-me path so quickly! But just remember how much laughter and many smiles you have put on all of your cyberfriends’ faces through your hilarious blog!! Sending you huge holiday hugs!
Man, I know what you mean. I love being alone, but lonliness sucks. After my marriage ended 12 years ago, my ex took the kids to his mom’s for T-giving. I was so miserable and I realized I had to make that vow you made: never be alone on those days. No matter what kind of independent loner we might be, we’re all social at heart.
Lovely post, so well put.
The holidays are tough even when you are surrounded by the people you love. It’s so nice to have a community of people on line to connect with and find additional support. Keep your head up!
Mentioned your blog in my last post. You’re great.
Dude, you need to start hanging out with me and my sister. We don’t get all weepy over the holidays. We get all weepy when we dont have enough sex.
That’s the thing I love about the Internets: connection.
Thanks for a year of making me laugh out loud, Jessica.
Sometimes I just wanna give you a hug.
I just wanted to let you know I’m so glad I found your blog. I can’t quite remember how…. I think it was off Marinka’s blog. Or maybe I Googled something funny like Hitler, wax, and children birthday cakes.
Oh and I’ve been meaning to leave a comment on another post but I keep forgetting so I’ll leave it here. It was a post where you mentioned you wanted to take Phoebe volunteering with you during the holidays. That sounds like a great idea. My friend Jelly did that this Thanksgiving and he had a great time and rewarding experience. Hearing about it made me feel like $h1t because I spent my college T-Days just working and being lazy. I miss how back in the day I used to volunteer a lot, and it was to simply help out, not because I needed something to put on my college apps.
I tend to slip into a funk cycle this time of year, and have felt that creeping in over me the last few days. The circumstances aren’t the same, the the feelings you write of here are so very understandable. You do make me smile, dear lady, and I’ll be wishing glorious things for your new year.
You are welcome at my house anytime. My two dogs and two cats expect to be talked to, even if the stubborn bastards refuse to answer (I think they can, they just choose not to).
I’ll be here harassing you, no problem. If Princess Nagger were gone that many days, it would absolutely feel like an eternity. I’m so glad I found your blog this year, you know, so I can stalk you virtually.
((HUGZ!))
Jessica, if you are willing to drive to Camarillo, you can spend Xmas Day with me, Erik and our two neighbors (also old coots in their 50’s). We are going to spend it the traditional Christmas way–a movie and then Chinese Food. You could even stay over with us. I mean it! Our neighbor’s son has “It’s Complicated” on DVD (he’s a director…not a working one, but at least he gets free Academy DVD’s) and then out to dinner. Open invite. You got my number. Call me. We would LOVE to have you. Meanwhile, savor who you are and that you are touching the lives of so many. You really are living a wonderful life! Phoebe is such a lucky girl! Love you. Don’t forget the invite. It’s for real, real, real.
Right back atchya, sister! Can you imagine how many of your blogging buddies will be online at some point during Christmas. Isolation is rampant, and the blogosphere is a great haven for connecting up.
Hugs,
Kimber
Oh Jess…I feel for you sister. I can only imagine having your Phoebe away for six days would seem like forever. You are awesome and I’m glad you feel like the online community has filled some emptiness on some level. We all feel like that in our way I’m sure. So, yeah, I’m in LA too you know. Wanna grab lunch tomorrow in Hollywood? I’ll email you….
Lee
Happy Chanukah, Merry Xmas, I think you’re the sh@$zznit, for what it’s worth, and I’ll definitely be surfing around at some point xmas day, so I’ll be by to say hello. I know you’re now very inspired.
I have done THAT EXACT SAME THING!!! Only, it was in NYC, and it was the worst. I remember looking into the lit windows and feeling so sad. I drowned myself in chinese delivery later. I felt a little better. There’s no moral to the story here. Unless you decide to get chinese delivery. In which case, you’re welcome. And I don’t even charge for my english degreed advice!
I was staring at your number in my CID yesterday and thought…nah…she’s probably busy. She probably doesn’t even know who I am. I should have called. Unlike TJ I would have said real words.
I’m glad to have met you online and was thrilled to talk to you the first time we spoke on the phone.
Here’s a hug from one displaced New Yorker to another!
We’ve met just once but you know when you meet someone and you think, “I bet I could totally be friends with her” (doesn’t happen often, I admit)? Well, I feel like we sort of have, thru reading each other’s blogs and getting a feel for who we are. And I’m grateful that I dropped in, late, to that panel at BlogHer where I heard you speak and felt a connection. I’m glad I lobby-stalked you and I’m glad I found your blog.
K, also? Those illusions of what you think are going on inside all those “perfect” families are just that. TRUST ME on this one…
Hope you meet the man of your dreams in 2010 and it wouldn’t suck if he was rich and from Boston.
Oh, I’m sorry that it’s such a hard time. But in the blogosphere, you’re never truly alone! Hang in there, sweetie.
While I am not technically alone…I understand the loneliness thing. I will, no doubt, put everybody to bed on Christmas Eve and find myself here commenting on blogs. See you then.
I’m sorry I haven’t been around your site much lately, but I hope you have a good holiday season too, loneliness aside. You definitely deserve it. Thanks for helping me laugh so often.
I miss having my dog to talk to. The big lug and I went through a million experiences together. That guy knew all of my secrets and all of my fears.
There is something to be said for having that sort of companion.
But then again, the others are right. Between the blogosphere and Twitter you are never really alone.
Happy Hannukah, Jessica!
I remember, Christmas 2005 was the first Christmas after my ex left. My kids were spending the afternoon and evening with his family, like we all did for 25+ years. This time, I was not invited. One thing I did like was the … person.. he left me for was also not invited because Dani wanted nothing to do with her.
Anyway, I was in absolute panic as to what to do with myself all day! I knew if I was left alone I’d be dead drunk by the time the kids got home. None of my family invited me to their homes (I guess it didn’t occur to anyone that this might be a problem) Thank God my friend, Ruth Ann TOLD, no invited me but TOLD me that I was to come to her house for Christmas because I shouldn’t be alone. I love her.
Now, I have Christmas with John and his sister and one of his brothers. and the kids still go to their dad’s side of the family for dinner but they’re with me in the morning. And that’s ok.
We must have gotten separated at the same time! January 2005 for me.
you are only as alone as you want to be…i hope you have an incredible christmas!
Too bad we can’t marry the internets.
Awww, I hope you enjoy yourself this Christmas. But if you are feeling lonely there’s nothing wrong with chatting to a dog, I do it all the time.
I’d love for you to hope over to Georgia for Christmas day. We always have an assortment of strays (including my ex) over for dinner.
I’ll be here for you. Here, have a virtual sugar cookie…
Jessica, I’m so glad we found each other. And sight unseen, I’d say come spend Christmas at my house in DC. Why the hell not? We don’t even have a tree this year, but there will be Bakugan BRAWL! and Legos and home-made cinnamon rolls.
I’ve found my little family of my parents and my son is just too small for the holidays. I wish I could fill my house with everyone whose lives have made mine better.
XXOO
Solomother
If you lived in DC I would absolutely invite you over. In fact – feel free to fly out next year. IN FACT – that’s an open invitation for any time. Except for when we’re away – since that would be expensive and would defeat the whole purpose of not being alone.
I echo Kate’s sentiments! And if you ever find yourself in the Philly vicinty, you and Phoebe are welcome to our guest wing. Well, guest room. It’s a ten by ten room, but it has a bed and a nice soft carpet, and a private bath. What more could you want?!
Happy Hannukah! (is it over?!) And BIG HUGS!
I can’t imagine holidays without my kids. I hope that you find us a bit more stimulating and talkative than your dog…
And I hope you enjoy your time! Hugs.
*smooooooch* we lurvers you too, Jess! Merry Christmas, lady, and may 2010 be yours!
Merry Christmas to you, Jessica!!! I hope it’s wonderful. I mean that. I don’t use the word wonderful a lot because I think it makes me sound old, but I wish you holidays that are wonderful.
And thank you for this blog which always, always makes me smile and laugh…a lot.
I have loved finding you and your blog this past year. I adore your perspective and attitude! Christmas? It sucks for a lot of people. Sometimes I feel at my most lonely when I’m surrounded by them. Here’s to meeting in the sanity of the interwebs
You are definielty not alone! I don’t comment much but I check back every day to see if you made a post. You are hilarious and keep me laughing! Merry Christmas!!!
Did I ever tell you that your blog is on my personal top five list? Actually, it’s in the top two…. Now quit making me sad!
Catching up on my blog reading, and have just read this now. Such a beautiful, beautiful post.
So glad I found your blog this year. Looking forward to more in 2010! x
I know you don’t know that, but I follow your blog for a long long time. I live in Brazil and I used to live in Texas [this is where the U.S. is located they would say]. After reading this post of yours I decided to leave a note just to say how much I appreciate your stuff and that you always make me laugh. If I was located closer to you I would even try to ask you out on a date.
[and I mean it].
Thanks for making my life happier. You are just great.
Love to you and Phoebe.
Ivan
Aww, and I completely missed the post on Xmas eve. Well I love stopping by, you always make me chuckle (like you, quietly as to not wake the children). I hope your time without Phoebe went by painlessly. Next time, let me know in advance and I’ll stick these rascals on a plane to CA. I’m sticking with “rascals” instead of what I really wanted to say.
Being without your kid during the holidays is really tough. This post is so heart-felt.
That internet is full of some really nice folks, though. xoxo