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Wanna Snuggle? Great, Now How Do You Want to Pay for It?

The other day, my friend was browsing the wanted ads on CraigsList. However, like most people with a nice dose of ADD, within minutes, he quickly found himself wandering all over the web clicking on links that had zero to do with helping him acquire any type of gainful employment including but not limited to, privatecuddle.com.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, a visit to Hollywood not only offers you tours of all the movie studios and the likely sighting of the guy who trains the guy who went and bought donuts for the woman who went to high school with the guy who waxes the woman who knows Brad Pitt’s dry cleaner, you can also avail yourself of a service where you can pay for the privilege of lying down with a complete stranger for anywhere from 60-90 minutes for the sole purpose of letting him/her hold you.

As soon as my friend saw this ad, he emailed me the link urging me to buy some time telling me “you’re so touchy, feely, this would be perfect for you and besides how long has it been since you’ve had a good cuddle anyway?”

Now, I’ll admit, I am the touchy-feely type and not just with people I know. One example of this would be the time I lovingly punched a police officer’s arm when he told me I looked older than the age listed on my license and still gave me a ticket. Another example would be when I was joking around with a woman I had never met before, who happened to be crossing the street with me. I have no recall as to what incredibly witty thing I was saying to her at the time but I do recall that when I gave her a very light fist pump to the shoulder as we were about to part ways, she returned the gesture by practically shoving me into oncoming traffic

I will also admit it’s been a while since anyone over the age of ten that doesn’t go by the title of “my daughter” has laid down next to me and run their hand over any part of my body. Tis true, tis true. However, this does not mean that I would be ever be lonely enough to hand money to a complete stranger unless it had the words “Filet Mignon” and “Back Stage Pass” somewhere in the description as to what I would be getting in return for my hard earned dollars.

Nevertheless, I decided to take a look at the site just to see what it was all about.

On the landing page, is a close up of an attractive woman with a slightly “come hither” look in her eyes. I’m guessing their marketing guy told them this was a good idea. If it were me and they were trying to reach my demographic, I would’ve suggested they immediately highlight the fact that they recommend you show up for your session wearing pajamas or in my case “work clothes”. That alone would have me searching for my wallet, using my Iphone finder app of course, because that’s how I roll over here.

In the FAQ section, they address several other popular questions one of which is “what if one of us gets sexually aroused?” Imagine how much I relaxed when I read their response which was, “Don’t worry, it happens! Although being sexual is not included, arousal is perfectly normal and should not make anyone feel uncomfortable.” And why should it? is my question. I’ve just paid $90 to snuggle with a complete stranger, why then would the feeling of his rock hard penis poking directly into my back lead me in any way to feel awkward? Uh, hello!

Another question listed in their FAQ section was “Am I supposed to talk during my session?” Now, according to the folks at privatecuddle.com, “Although, some people find that snuggling makes talking easier, the benefits of snuggling are not dependent on being verbal.” Okay, I’ll admit after a go-around of sex, I do tend to start chatting, however, that being said, 1. Usually it’s because I have a lot to say as it’s likely it’s been well over two years since I’ve had any, 2. I didn’t pay for the sex and 3. He didn’t pay for the sex either unless you include the price of dinner and well, then, fuck you, I’m a whore, deal with it. Nevermind, there are times when even I have trouble coming up with things to say outside of “please don’t leave me” or “what’s your last name again”? thus, I can’t even begin to imagine what one would “chat” about with a “hugmate” they’ve met for the first time fifteen minutes ago in the waiting room.

Finally, the last of the questions I found intriguing was “Is snuggling therapy?” We are told “no” by the company but I’d think that the better answer would be, “no but if you are seriously considering paying for this crap, we would highly recommend you get some.”

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I Really Thought this was “The One”…

So I”m driving on a major thoroughfare and I stop at a red light. In the car next to me, is some guy at the wheel and in the backseat was this huge, adorable Goldendoodle with his big head sticking out the window, breathing in the polluted Los Angeles air like a teenager sniffing fumes from a paint can. So touching, so touching.

Anyway, I roll down my passenger side window and started yelling out to the dog in this nauseating baby voice, “Hey there buddy! What’s up?! How are you? Hey baby! Next thing I know, the driver of the car, whose window is also rolled down, turns his face towards me, points his finger at his chest and mouths the word “me?”. As in, “are you asking me how I am? Are you calling me “Baby” and “buddy”?

So I played along and with a big smile on my face said to him, ‘Yes, you!” and then I made the universal hand sign for a phone and mouthed the words, “Call me”.

Then the light turned green and we both sped away.

Never did hear from the guy. So L.A. Whatever.

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