Here is what I know:

1. That all children cry.
2. That children sometimes cry when they are on airplanes.
3. That the sound of children crying does NOT qualify as “white noise”.

Here is what I also know:

1.That when I a child cries on a plane ALL the passengers appreciate it very much when the parents make every attempt to keep the child quiet.

2. That when I say “appreciate” I mean expect you to pull out all your tricks in an effort to shut your kid up and when you run out of those tricks will insist that you think of new ones or they will no longer “appreciate” your efforts.

3. That did I not have an enormous fear that a man dressed like a bad ass biker dude would kill me if I told him and his wife that they needed to at least TRY to keep their kids quiet, I would have done exactly that.

4. That I’m still wondering if perhaps I should have offered said biker dude and his wife what was left in my box of Milk Duds in exchange for them chloroforming their kids because nothing and I mean NOTHING beats a nice fresh Milk Dud.

5. That it is possible to have TWO crying, screaming kids on a plane, both of whom have a set of parents that are completely oblivious to the notion that an entire plane load of people is sitting in their seats trying to figure out how to silence the children in a way that would be both painless and non lethal although doing it in a manner that is both painful and lethal is not completely off the table should no alternative method be found.

5. That I know that I could have kicked the non biker dad’s ass but also have this fear of hearing the flight attendant announce over the intercom that we would be making an unscheduled landing because the psychopathic maniac in the sweater coat and clogs was trying to take down a man AND his wife.

6. That every time I flew with my kid til she was 5 years old, I would immediately turn to the people sitting in my area and apologize to them a head of time for anything my daughter might do and promised them I would do my best to make it seem as though she were not even there and should I not be successful, would promptly go home and stab myself.

7. That these parents should reimburse every passenger on that plane the cost of the one way trip to hell that none of us signed up for.

and finally:

8. That yelling to the pilot “Pull over, I can’t take this anymore!” will not have the effect you so desire.

Teddy, my dog, is the cutest, most loving, money suck, I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.  Apparently, in Los Angeles, there is a movement of sorts to make sure that boarding your dog at a reputable place will put you directly in line for bankruptcy.  I would ask a neighbor to watch him but conveniently, all of them are allergic to helping me. Well, they don’t say that exactly, but they don’t have to. I am a New York Jew who knows damn well that telling someone you can’t care for their dog because you have allergies is code for “and who is going to pay when you dog takes a dump on my brand new rug? You? Ha!”

I bring this up because I took Teddy to this place called, Canine We Don’t Want You Here to have him evaluated in the hopes that I could board him for three days while I was in NYC.  Unfortunately, I was told after I waited half an hour that perhaps I should go elsewhere.

Now, I don’t want to bash the owner, because I’m not the type of person to toss the words, passive aggressive, a head the circumference of the moon and clothing so ugly it’s been outlawed in every state,  out there, but I will say that I would’ve preferred it if she had not woken up my sorry ass at the unGODLY hour of 7:48am to tell me I had to be on time for my 9:30am appt because she had another client coming in, a client that turns out to have been a figment of her imagination as my ass was still parked in a chair there at 10am and trust me,  I didn’t see no other “client”.

Thankfully, I found the only non allergic person (read: lover of all Jews) to stay at my home with Teddy. I was hoping he might stay with the man I’ve been seeing but, well let’s just say that “Project Find a Husband” may soon have to be renamed, “Project Trying to Get Past the Eight Week Mark” or perhaps, “Project Find A Way to Skip Right to the Eight Week Mark”. It’s okay.   At least I still have a goal, right? I mean, all is not lost. I could go back to the guy on Match.com who posted pictures of himself wearing,:

1. A suit

2. A cowboy outfit and

3. A flannel shirt with a tool belt around his waist

because not for nothin, how many times in one’s life do you have the opportunity to f**k  the ALL Village People in one fell swoop?

Exactly.