What if you Could Come Back?

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Me, My, not You

How do you know when the relationship is over? When you realize that if you aren’t going to have sex you’re not sure why it is you’re both still standing in the same room.

The problem with getting older is you tend to really like spending time with yourself much more so than with other people.

I recently ended a relationship with a guy I’d been dating for about six months. One night after dinner, as I loaded the last plate into the dishwasher, I looked up at him sitting at my kitchen table and thought, “If we’re going to spend the rest of this night sitting in front of the TV, then I want to be alone.” It was as simple as that. I would get to pick what I wanted to watch and I wouldn’t have to worry he’d interrupt me by sharing something about himself that either he’d already told me or could have waited to tell me at another point in time or, in his case, never.

Listen, I’m no charm to live with. I’ve got terrible ADD, I disaster plan better than the director of FEMA and I’m constantly leaving the cupboard doors and drawers wide open as it seems I have a fear of running low on Raisin Brand or worse, clean coffee mugs. I get irritated quickly, especially if your being in my life causes me to do more work, not less. I already have a child and do not desire another one so if you can’t fix shit around the house or your idea of cooking is watching me do it, thanks a bunch but you need to pack it up and go. I’ve been doing it on my own for nine years and the last thing I want to is to add more stuff to my “to do” list especially when it comes to someone who should already be able to do it anyway.

I want love, I want to be in love, I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I can’t be. I hate cats. I don’t want someone who’s perfect. Why would I? Can you imagine waking up every day next to that person? “Morning. Great, you’re still hotter than me.”

What’s the solution? You have your place and I have mine? Some say there is nothing like being in a relationship where you have the option to say “bye” every once in a while and not just “I’m going to bed, are you coming?” Sounds good to me or is that because I have yet to find the one person in the world who to whom I have no desire to ever say “bye”.

Every one has their litmus test for love and they are never what you think they would be. For example, one of mine is, if I don’t develop violent tendencies when it comes to my attention that you ate the entire fruit salad that took me twenty minutes to make and never even offered me a bite, well, then I love you, no doubt about it.

If listening to the sound of you eating an apple while talking to me about your mother doesn’t have me chanting to myself, “breathe, just breath, it will all be over soon”, you’re the one for me.

For now, I’ve decided to just focus on my work, on making more money and a better life for myself. This, in case you’re curious, is “single person speak” for, “Oh my f**king God, I cannot believe I have to start dating again.”

Now, if you don’t mind, could you please pass the remote oh and don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

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