Two Ringy Dingys
About a year ago, I posted here that I had the following conversation with my daughter:
PHOEBE: I want a cell phone.
JESSICA: You’re five.
PHOEBE: Don’t worry, I promise I’ll call you.
JESSICA: That’s very comforting, thank you.
MOMENT OF SILENCE
PHOEBE: Are you going to get me a cell phone?
JESSICA: You don’t need one.
PHOEBE; Yes, I do.
JESSICA: Why?
PHOEBE: Because then you’ll always know where I am.
JESSICA: I’m your mother. I’ll always know where you are, it’s part of my job description.
ANOTHER MOMENT OF SILENCE
PHOEBE: I don’t want you to be my mother anymore.
JESSICA: You can’t fire your mother, I have tenure.
PHOEBE: What’s tenure?
JESSICA: It means no matter how much I suck at my job, I still get to keep it and you have to give me all sorts of benefits on top of my salary because you weren’t smart enough to fire me when you had the chance.
MOMENT OF SILENCE
PHOEBE: Well if you have that, then why can’t I get a cell phone?
JESSICA: Call me when you’re 20.
PHOEBE (beyond annoyed) I can’t.
JESSICA: Why not?
PHOEBE: (rolling her eyes) Because, I don’t have a cell phone.
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Phoebe is now six and yesterday once again said to me:
PHOEBE: I need a cell phone.
JESSICA: Why?
PHOEBE: Because then you’ll always know where I am.
JESSICA: I’m your mother. I already know where you are, it’s my job. Besides, I just got you a dog, remember?
MOMENT OF SILENCE
PHOEBE: What if I’m with Teddy and he runs away and I chase after him and then you can’t find me, then if I had a cell phone you could call me and then you wouldn’t be mad because you lost me because I had a cell phone and I could call you.
JESSICA: Oh my God, I think my head just exploded.
PHOEBE: Why?
JESSICA: Too much information. What do you want for dinner?
PHOEBE: A cell phone.
JESSICA: With carrots or string beans? And, by the way, if you eat the cell phone, then you don’t get to have dessert.
PHOEBE: Stop it, it’s not funny. Why can’t I have a phone?
JESSICA: I’ll tell you what? When I find a nice man I want to spend the rest of my life with, I’ll get you a cell phone.
PHOEBE: How long will that take?
JESSICA: Do you know what the word “infinity” means?
I Hope This Explains It, I Mean, Me
My new found friend, Sarah, a woman whose outlook on mothering very much reflects my own , which is to say, she too, won’t share her candy with her child if she can get away with it, sat down with me to find out more about how it is I ended up “this” way and to give you a window on what the chances are that Phoebe will never utter the words, “I have to go, I need to call my therapist”.
Mom, if you are reading this, just know that I love you anyway. (note: My mother has never read my blog, but you never know so better safe than sorry right? Or is it better safe and to acknowledge your inner paranoia?”
See you over there.
