And You Wonder How I Do It Everyday….Well…
Things That Can Help You Wake Up in the Morning:
1. A cup of coffee
2. Exercise
3. Walking out into your back yard and finding out the dog got out and now you can’t find him.
Three Things That Will Help You Fall Asleep Easier:
1. Ambien
2. Listening to my sister tell a story, any story.
3. Finding the dog and knowing you won’t have to explain to your six year old that up in the sky with her recently dead hamster is her even more recently dead dog.
This I Knew, This I Did Not
I was walking with my dog Teddy today, when we came upon a house with this sign posted in the front:
Now, I too voted for President Obama but last I checked he won right? Well, imagine how I felt as I walked up their driveway to tell them the good news. I felt like Ed McMahon, only I’m a woman….with all my hair….. and I’m still alive.
Now you’re probably thinking:
YOUR THOUGHT: You didn’t really go up and ring their doorbell, while surrounded by a bunch of cameramen, with balloons in your hand and holding a big sign that said, “Congratulations to the Barack family!” did you?
No. But, I did pick up Teddy’s poop.
Speaking of which, as much as I have missed having a dog, I gotta tell ya, the feel of picking up after them well, that’s just something that one never forgets. You know what I mean right? Like remember that feeling when you were giving birth and for a moment there you’d have sworn to God that your baby was really going to come out of your a**hole and not your vagina like everyone else said they did? Remember that? That moment in life where you felt literally betrayed by your health teacher, your mother and every friend who’d ever born a child? Remember that?
I don’t, I had a c-section.
However, one night, when I was volunteering, I took a woman up to labor and delivery and well, let’s just say the next thing I knew, I’m standing there holding this gal’s hand, who I’d now been “friends” with for about 8 whole minutes and listened as she screamed to the nurses,
PATIENT: Hold on! Everybody back off! I gotta take a dump!
So I guess, I sort of do know the feeling don’t I?
